Overcoming isolation and mistrust;
Healing the special and betrayed Child
Workshop with Bill SAy, M.A.
at Esalen institute in Big Sur
April 16-21
Our culture and families often support power and control, independence and being special. But the price that we pay for living these patterns is huge. We are often lonely, mistrustful, and addicted to achievement and feeling special. Our needs are repressed. We stay in control and may even abuse our power. We fear being "wrong" or failing, being vulnerable or "weak." We feel we can trust noone and must depend only on ourselves.
In this experiential workshop we will explore relationship patterns, power and control, needs and vulnerability, intimacy and trust in connections with others. Using awareness as our guide, we find the way back to our deepest humanity, and trust in life. Using two powerful approaches, Core Energetics, founded by John Pierrakos, MD, and Process Work, developed by Dr. Arnold Mindell, we will explore body/mind, emotions, relationships and group dynamics, and inner authority.
An interview with Bill is requested prior to registration.
Bill Say, M.A., co-directs the Community Healing & Leadership Training, is a faculty member of JFK and Naropa universities, and has had a private practice in body/mind/relationship therapy in the Berkeley, CA area since 1989.
For information call : (510) 548-8703 or www.corecommunity.com
See below for article on "Overcoming isolation..."
Overcoming Isolation and Mistrust: Healing the Betrayed Child
By Bill Say, M.A.
Our culture and families often support power and control, independence, and being special. But the price that we pay for living these patterns is huge. We are often isolated, mistrustful, and addicted to achievement and feeling special. Our needs are repressed. We stay in control; we fear failure or being "wrong," being vulnerable or "weak." We feel we can trust no one and must depend only on ourselves.
Particular family relationship dynamics give birth to the above tendencies. The most overarching one is not seeing the child for who she or he is (in the interest of readability and balance, I will use the pronoun “she”). The innate qualities of the child are either rejected, not recognized, or are reshaped to suit the parent’s taste. The young being’s vulnerability, sensitivity, playfulness, sweetness, creativity, sexuality, love, timing, assertiveness, or expression are somehow not acceptable. Though the individual circumstances may vary, the common theme is the child’s disregarded need for acceptance.
The price that the child pays for too many of her unmet needs is isolation and mistrust (and I would add that the world pays for the impact this creates). If she cannot freely and easily express enough of her needs and be met and supported, she will stop coming forward with them. She will learn that she has to hold these needs inside herself. And because need and vulnerability are so closely tied, her own vulnerability is likely to be held inside. As vulnerability and intimacy are connected, closeness and intimacy will also be compromised.
Trust occurs when enough of the child’s needs are met that she can relax into life, and the relationships around her. In the former scenario, trust is cut. If the family attitude toward needs is harsh, the child’s cutting off—the uncrossable line that she self-imposes—will also likely be harsh. “No one can be trusted,” (“…to really be there for me,” “…to take my needs into consideration,” etc.). Here the individual feels she can really only rely on her own strength, control, and inner resources.
The “wild card” often thrown into this mixture is that while many of the child’s needs are neglected, and her real nature is not fully recognized and supported, she may be given “special” attention. This attention can include praise for accomplishment, for particular ways of being, and/or for her role as a special mate or confidant to one or both parents. This mixture is particularly hurtful, as the child’s real needs for love and support are disregarded while less real and grounded needs for “special” attention are being fed. In many of us, this becomes an addiction. “Forget about love, let me be special.”
These experiences constellate into a mixture of isolation, mistrust, and the need to be special, or the need to be needed by others. This is combined with the avoidance of “true” needs: vulnerability, and intimacy. The child becomes an adult and often the pattern persists.
The adult may find that she is isolated. Reaching out to others, especially for any substantial kind of emotional help, seems risky. There is often a tendency to be the caretaker of others at the expense of one’s own needs.
Who to trust? That is a central question, and when the pattern is pronounced, the answer tends to be “no one.” The adult’s history “proves” that no authority is trustworthy, so authority figures can be particularly difficult to trust. This can also translate into spiritual isolation when no “higher power” can be trusted. The rough “pseudo solution” is to only trust oneself. But even here the trust is limited, as the mechanisms that sense people and situations are often too suspicious or they “trust” inappropriately, thus furthering mistrust of oneself.
A vicious circle of isolation, loneliness, and mistrust keeps the adult in a holding pattern that limits relationship options. Because one’s perceptions regarding trust are not developed enough, situations that recreate and reinforce feelings of betrayal can often occur and exacerbate the mistrust. Past hurts and current mistrust will often translate into not taking appropriate risks to either begin relationships or develop deeper levels of closeness and connection. Sometimes even light social contact may be fraught with fear or suspicion. If the child’s emotional needs were not held, the adult’s emotional needs will often be held inside. Calling out for help may be too risky. The consequence and frequently chronic situation then is isolation.
How then can this vicious circle be loosened in a healthy way?
If you find yourself very isolated, a possible first step is to start by getting out. Literally get out of the house and be in some form of public or social setting that brings you more contact and connection with others. Know that you must start slowly as you begin the process of rebuilding trust and connection with others and yourself.
Here are a few simple and affirming way to help support you coming out of isolation. First, if getting out is a big thing then I want to strongly suggest that getting out is the victory and that you let yourself know that. Whether or not you enjoy yourself, feel comfortable or not, is secondary. I would assume that if getting out is not the norm, that you will probably feel uncomfortable.
And because your early childhood needs were probably inadequately met it is likely that your current needs for “parenting” are high. So, really love and validate your steps here. Praise yourself for getting out. Tell yourself if you felt uncomfortable or awkward that those feelings are an unavoidable and ok part of your experience. But you did it. You got out! You can speak inwardly to yourself right in the moment in a social setting or later at home or both.
Secondly, if you face an internal critic when going out, bring awareness to this critic. Really take some time to listen to it and take time to respond. You may need to fight your critic to be able to venture out of isolation. Your critic may want to “protect” you.
Respond to your critic. If your critic would have you never step outside your home, find your deep feelings and responses to that suggestion. Go back and forth between the two roles, i.e., the critic and the one who wants to venture forth. You will probably find that your uneasy feelings and hesistancy about going out socializing will ease some. Having such an internal dialogue can also be helpful during social events.
If you are already fairly social but still feel isolated, your first step might be to make an effort to become closer to others. If you are someone who waits for the other to initiate contact, try reaching out first, knowing that you may feel vulnerable in doing so. And depending on your style and feelings, it may be important to say that you feel vulnerable. Two reasons why I would suggest doing so is that it immediately begins to share your inner experience with someone, and that breaks through isolation. Isolation happens when our internal experience is somehow not shared with others. The second reason is that if reaching out is uncomfortable you might inadvertently be communicating other things as you reach out that could affect the other’s response to you. For example if reaching out feels vulnerable to you, you might then subltly communicate the words that say “I want to get together,” and also the tone that says “I don’t care whether we do or not.” So, saying that you feel uncomfortable or vulnerable reaching out makes things very clear.
Another way to become closer to others addresses relationship tendencies. Chronic caretaking is a common relationship pattern among adults who mistrust or feel isolated from others. If you are the caretaker of your relationships, consider introducing your needs for care and attention into the relationships. If these relationships cannot withstand the introduction of your needs, find new friends. Know that these steps can feel scary, so go slowly, but go. One good step to take in changing the dynamics with someone is to talk about your tendency to keep all of your needs to yourself, and the isolation you feel in doing so. Talk about how difficult it is to even know what you need. Express your fear about revealing needs and what might happen if you did. Maybe you fear that the other would have power over you or that you might be horribly disappointed if the other did not immediately respond to your need. Tell your friend about any fears you have about becoming closer, or more open in the relationship. If you are talking to the right friend, her/his response will often be stunning, immediate, and rewarding. The reward is closeness and intimacy. And the effect can be like living life in a room of isolation and discovering a doorway that leads to closeness and warmth, connection and belonging. And it does involve risk.
Here I want to add that you could be disappointed. Actually, that you will be. One crucial part of this process to negotiate within yourself and with others is how much disappointment is tolerable. Can you make some allowance for human shortcomings while not opening yourself up to relationships with people who don’t regard your needs and theirs as equitable? I want to strongly suggest that people will fail you. Knowing how far to go in addressing these shortcomings is a personal question. I suggest talking to friends when you feel disappointed or hurt. Don’t just walk away. Talk first. If your pattern of having been let down is considerable, you will probably want to leave most situations without addressing hurts. That will most likely leave you alone. By at least addressing hurts before leaving you will be taking importants steps in growing your relationship capacity.
Find at least one person with whom you can really work it out. Create one good friend. It will so help you to then create more friendships. I am not suggesting someone who will meet all your needs but someone who will mostly be there for you and that you will mostly be there for in return. This friend may be someone with whom you can work out hurts and misunderstandings; in so doing you will begin to develop trust with her and she in you.
When one has experienced considerable and repeated blows to forming trust, there are chronic defenses in play. Notice them in yourself. Notice the “walls” that separate yourself from others, even when they are sitting right in front of you. You can practice the intention of softening the wall, and noticing how you feel sitting with a friend. You can talk about the wall and the feelings and needs behind the wall. Often there will be fear, vulnerabilities, needs, sadness, loss, etc. Sit with someone who could be a good friend. Let that person know what you struggle with. Ask whether s/he will sit with you from time to time to support you in exploring what lies behind the wall. Please do this. If the wall stays, isolation stays. And what lies behind the wall is your humanity. This humanity is your human beauty, frailty, needs, vulnerability, and hurt. What is underneath our deepest hurt is our deepest beauty and humanity. Share it with a safe enough, caring enough person.
This pattern I write about is born out of not enough care for who you were and for the needs you had. If, as a result, you feel uncaring toward others, allow yourself to feel it deeply, and notice that there is also in you a deep need to care. But don’t get stuck in uncaring. Take steps to bring caring into your normal realm of experience. Receive care when it comes to you. You may need to stop, breathe, and struggle to receive the care, but receive some of it.
Lastly, one powerful way to bring care to you is to practice caring for others. Giving what we need is a powerful way to begin to receive it.
Best wishes in your journey.
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